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| things have been better, i suppose. i definitely need to stop drinking, i was so mad when i went home after work on thursday night and brian was shitfaced. i didn't get to spend any time with him. then friday night it was my turn to get shwasted and be a stupid bitch to him...even though i don't remember it. definitely just going to smoke now. fuck all the mess. it's not worth it in the money or any other sense. lately i've been missing him so much when he's not around. like this morning i almost started crying when he left for work. and he never is like that with me, and it kind of makes me feel like shit. i know i'm just being extra emotional but it's whatever. i just don't like being alone at home without him all day. it doesn't help that it's raining. i hate sundays, and i hate rainy sundays unless my man is enjoying being lazy with me. we fucking have group tonight. unacceptable. we pay $30 every sunday to sit in a circle and lie about the fact that we aren't sober. it's ridiculous. i hate all this legal shit. it gives me such bad anxiety. like yesterday i saw the cop that arrested me..i'm pretty sure he saw me too because he was standing right outside of my side of the window directing traffic. if i ever see him again and he's not distracted by an accident he's at i know he'll pull me over. and i don't have a license until next february so i really don't want to fuck with. plus if i had to go to more asap or something or had to stop and start again, it would be such a waste of money. i'm so scared to even drive today though. and i need cigarettes. ugh. i guess i should have thought about that before i got a dui. i'm pretty sure i'm going to be in a bad mood all day. i hate days like this. | | |
| so, once again, it has been a year since i have updated this. a lot of shit has gone down. i moved to lexington, got into too many drugs, and then moved to berryville to move in with my boyfriend, brian. yesterday was our 10 month, but lately it's been shitty and we've been fighting a lot...so i'm not really sure what is going to happen. which is rather unfortunate, because i love him to death, but such is life i suppose.
i now have a criminal record..i got a dui back in november, which blows because i now have to pay for it for the next year. next february 4 i will be a free woman again (and one with a legit license as well). i'm kind of used to it now, but it still sucks ass.
i guess lately my relationship with brian has been on my mind mostly. we love each other, yeah, but he can't get over this feeling of not being able to trust me. i really don't know what to do to make him realize that i'm not a piece of shit and that i am worth his time and effort..but idk. he won't get it. he's all bent up on shit that happened when we first got together. granted, we probably shouldn't have started dating the way that we did, but it happened and it's too far into it to change shit. i'm just so fucking scared of losing him. i really, really am. and it makes me sick to think of the fact that we might not be together much longer.
if there are any guys out there who read this and can give me advice on how to be more trustworthy or make him believe that i'm not wasting his time, then please tell me. i already do everything that i can think of, and i'm running out of ideas. we barely even have sex anymore. and he's the first guy i've actually had a decent relationship with. my god, it's ridiculous. he could hurt me more than anyone...and i am so scared of that. also, he's told me many times that he'll get over me in a day or two if we break up..and i know it would take me a lot longer than that and i would want him to hurt just as much as i do. it sounds fucked up..but i'm already hurting because i can't make the one guy that i give a shit about believe in me and it fucking kills me. and it's so hard for me to talk to him about it because he interrupts me or he puts me on the spot with questions and i shut down when he does that. i don't know what my problem is. but i really just wish i could change or something. i've tried, but apparently i'm not doing a very good job of it.
i don't even want to think about this because i'm at work and still have 6 hours until i can go home and see him and talk to him..and i know he's not thinking about me at all and probably hanging out with his friends wishing that i wouldn't come home tonight.
sometimes, i just want to get in a really bad car wreck and not survive and see how people felt after that. i would never have the balls to kill myself though...i just want to stop hurting and hurting other people and dealing with all the bullshit that goes on in real life.
everything makes me hate myself. | | |
| that i am addicted to cigarettes. or that i'm at work, still a bit drunk from last night. what a beautiful day. | | |
| after 2 months with no days off from work, i went down to see my mom for a couple days since i hadn't seen her since august. and i was anxious about it; i didn't want it to be awkward. and surprisingly, it wasn't at all. i ended up figuring out what the hell i'm really doing in july. my brother lives in a really nice house in the woods overlooking a river with his best friend, nick. and my brother asked me to move in with them. i'm going to have my own bedroom with a balcony and my own living room. and we'll each only have to pay $300 a month plus utilities. the cheap part is definitely awesome, but i think it's going to be really good for my, mentally, to be around creative people in a beautiful, inspirational place. everything there is so....fresh. i also decided i'm going to take classes in the fall instead of waiting until whenever. i might as well get this whole college bullshit over with so i can learn and do things i am genuinely interested in. not sure what my major will be yet, but i still have time for that. i'm just happy i'll be leaving where i am now and starting a new life. a better one. also, last night at work (front desk at a hotel), i met this amazing man named james mcgregor. he's going to write a book, and i'm going to be in it. he's from australia and started in oregon state and has walked across the entire usa. he started over two years ago. he's on his way to the appalachian trail right now, heading north. i told him he has to stop in nyc..he'll meet people like he's never met before. just talking to him was incredible, though. he is such a genuine person, and for him to walk across a country like that blows my mind. i mean, he has to get lonely. i could never do anything like that, but i definitely respect him for it. i hope he makes it. and i hope he finishes his book before he starts his next journey; walking across europe. he's already done his home country and new zealand. i love people. i love hearing their stories. i hope one day mine is as interesting as his. | | |
| went hiking today with some friends...it was absolutely gorgeous. there were these massive waterfalls that totally encompassed you if you were next to them. the weather was perfect, the company was perfect..it was completely worth a 2 hour drive there. plus, all 4 of them passed out on the way home so i was really into just driving and listening to jimi hendrix.
i wish life could always be that simple. i guess it could be, but i tend to over analyze everything and thinking things are more complicated than they really are. or maybe i'm right.
but probably the first since i'm analyzing that, too. damn being a gemini.
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